Emily Hottel King

If you celebrate Christmas—and even if you don’t—I hope yesterday was merry and bright.

Mine was. Mostly. Luckily, I am surrounded by family this holiday. I gave and received thoughtful gifts and I ate delicious food. But by mid-afternoon my exhaustion from three days of travel, cooking, wrapping, and socializing caught up with me and I began to crash. I was feeling irritable and unpleasant. I needed a nap and I wanted to get away from everybody.

Around the same time, my daughter became distraught about a technical issue with one of her gifts. I put off my nap to try & solve the problem, but the problem just got worse. Now I (or rather, Santa, winkwink) will have to exchange the gift later this week.

I did eventually get a nap, and my daughter was understanding (though disappointed) about not being able to use her gift. But still, I felt myself sliiiiiiiding….

…into that post-holiday let down. I know I’m not the only one who experiences this.

After days, weeks, or even months of excitement building up to an eagerly anticipated event such as the winter holidays or a beloved friend’s visit, your body and brain experiences a dopamine crash, leaving you tired, sad, and cranky. Depending on the event, you might also be sleep deprived, physically worn out, in debt, or have indigestion. Or your crash could be exacerbated by emotional irritants. For instance, if you overextended yourself to make everyone else’s holiday picture perfect only to have your needs and wants overlooked, you might want to throw everyone’s presents in the trash and go live on an alpaca farm.

Even worse, you might not be crashing from an eager anticipation of the holiday season because your anticipation was filled with dread for one or a dozen different reasons. Maybe you’re in between jobs and couldn’t afford the gifts you wanted to buy. Maybe the holidays remind you of how very single you are and you feel painfully lonely. In this case, there’s no real crash, just a long day filled with your thoughts about how you think things SHOULD be, and how you are just Not Measuring Up.

As a therapist and life coach, I have spent the past month reminding my clients of the fairly inevitable post-holiday crash, and encouraging them to be tender with themselves if they are out of sorts for any reason. And yet, I found myself briefly blindsided by my own challenging emotions. I wandered around the house feeling distinctly bah humbuggy for thirty minutes or so until it dawned on me.

Oh!

Ohhhhh.

Nothing has gone wrong, I said to myself. This is just something that happens. I’m off my usual schedule, I’ve put a lot of expectations on myself and others, my tummy is too full and I’ve spent a lot of money, I’m disappointed that my child’s perfect gift needs to be exchanged, and I miss the loved ones who aren’t here. It’s normal to be a little humbuggy sometimes. And I’m going to be okay.

And that, my friends, is personal growth. Instead of having a perfectly shitty evening, I had a few minutes of sadness and then got back to living my life.

Lest you think I am an alien or just and insufferable know-it-all, let me explain that this attitude adjustment was available to me because I’ve made a daily practice of self-discovery, challenging unhelpful stories, and experiencing my emotions rather than trying to shut them up with food, sex, shopping, wine, etc.

This is the work I do with my clients every day, so they can have that same aha! moment of nothing has gone wrong and I’m going to be okay.

If you are having a rotten day and you want to believe that you’re going to be okay… I have good news and I have bad news.

The good news is I can help. The bad news is that it’s not a quick fix.

My ability to come back from that moment of humbuggery without using problematic coping mechanisms is a skill I’ve spent years cultivating through—you guessed it—therapy and life coaching. I’ll give you a quick overview of the process I used, but if you really want to dig into this work and see lasting change in your life, I recommend that you reach out to book a free consult so we can talk more about how life coaching can help you.

Three Steps to Un-Humbug

1. Start by taking a break from whatever you’re doing to avoid those rotten feelings. Sit still, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and be honest with yourself about what’s going on inside you.

Maybe you say to yourself, “I’m mad that my mom isn’t here for Christmas, and that she won’t be here for Christmas ever again. I feel like I’m too young to not have a mom at Christmas. This is really unfair.”

Or maybe you say, “I’m sad and hurt that my family doesn’t appreciate all the things I do for them at the holidays, until I DON’T do it, and then they act like I’ve done something terrible. It’s like I can’t win.”

Or maybe, “I’m disappointed that I went over my limit again. I can’t ever seem to stop at just two drinks. I’m really starting to think I might have a drinking problem but I don’t want to stop. I’m scared to stop.”

You get the idea. Say it out loud if you want to, write it in your journal, or just close your eyes and whisper it to yourself. Just let that thing be true.

2. Now notice how the emotion you’re experiencing with those thoughts feels in your body. Is it in your stomach or your shoulders or your head? Is it tight or sharp or buzzy? Is it moving or staying in one very tiny spot? If you’re writing in your journal, describe the feeling as best you can. As you’re doing this, you might notice that it’s suddenly feeling extremely intense, and you think you can’t stand it. You might cry, or you might want to yell or throw something. Do whatever it takes to safely get that energy out, such as punching a pillow or stomping your feet. Take another breath and another, and just pay attention to the feeling until it starts to ease up.

And trust me: it always eases up.

It probably won’t go away completely, but here’s the magical thing about our hardest emotions: when we don’t fight to avoid them, they don’t feel the need to fight for our attention.

3. Now that you’ve honestly acknowledged what you’re feeling, you can get back to living your life. Do something that feels kind to you. For me it was journaling and then reaching out to friends and then writing this little essay for you. After I’m done I’m going to read a little and then get a good night’s sleep.

For you, something kind might be eating a proper meal after avoiding food all day because you don’t feel safe eating in front of others.

Or maybe you rewatch an episode of your favorite show for the 1,000th time because it makes you laugh and you need some laughter.

Or maybe you cuddle your cat and drink a hot cup of tea because the world feels cold.

Whatever you choose to do, try to keep your mind on the experience you are having right now. If your mind wanders to money stress or the terrible thing Aunt Sally said at dinner, acknowledge that humbuggy feeling… and then come back to the safe place you’ve created today.

You don’t have to figure out tomorrow, yet. Just be with yourself right now, and be kind.

_{Disclaimer: As always, the content I share is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not mental health treatment, therapy, or a substitute for professional psychological care. Please consult a licensed mental health provider for personalized support or go to your nearest emergency department if you are in crisis.}